i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
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