You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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