Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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