whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
