it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
