you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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