I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
