Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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