I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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