im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
