just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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