see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
