we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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