My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
