You made me cry and you don't even care
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
