last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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