White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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