Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
