The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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