I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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