I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
