if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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