I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
