There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
