She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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