i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize