i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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