She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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