I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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