Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize