i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize