oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
