You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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