Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
