Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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