Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
