i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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