nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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