This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
