How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
