So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
