I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
