No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
