It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
