You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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