It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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