Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
