Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
should my penis look like a turkey
she pinky promised me she was 18
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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