she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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