I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
