they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
