I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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