i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
