Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
