I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize