The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
