hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
